Assalamualaikum and hello everyone!
intro tu sebenarnya automatic. and it makes me sounds excited isnt it?
but not today. but i dont have any energy to change the intro.
idk. there are so many things happened and will happen.
im trying to stay postive and focus.
but all of these exhausted me, physically and mentally.
there are times where i know i shouldnt feel like this, or i shouldnt do this and that, but it just cant be helped.
i am actually very particular about punctuation in writing but not today. i just cant be bothered. caps lock ke apostrophe ke, as long as it is readable. blogger ni pun satu, takde autocorrect. ok, tak marah pun.
i bukan tak bersyukur. tapi idk. i just penat.
im trying, im trying my very best to stay positive, to believe.
but im just a normal human. i ada breakdown phase.
tapi sakit bila u know semua orang kat sini ada masalah sama, semua orang busy, semua orang penat.
so u cant find anyone yang boleh jadi bahu.
its not that kalau kita pergi cerita kat diorang, diorang halau balik, tak.
they are very, very kind. tapi kita dalam situasi yang sama and kita tahu yang every second is precious so i taknak bebankan orang dengan masalah hidup i.
tapi bila orang lain yang patutnya boleh jadi bahu pun tak izinkan diri dia jadi bahu, apa patut i buat?
i know, talk to god they said. i did. but i need a two way communication too. i penat simpan semua dalam hati sengsorang.
i sampai kalau tidur tu i taknak bangun sebenarnya. i taknak hadap reality. i taknak tengok apa yang waiting to be dobe. dulu i buat list satu-satu apa kena buat, to stay organised. but now, the to-do-list only gives me anxiety and panick. dah lama i tak bangun pagi with a good feeling. i penat rasa terpaksa. bukan tak ikhlas belajar, i suka belajar. i suka bila i dapat ilmu baru. i love the learning process tapi when it totally drains me out, physically and mentally, i rasa terbeban. of course i should not feel the way. but that's it. i memang berperang dengan perasaan sendiri, everyday. doakan i kuat okay?
semalam i terserempak dengan my bestfriend dekat an event yang i jadi committee. she's from another course so we rarely meet. i peluk dia pastu terus ternangis. i cakap kat dia yang i penat, i penat sangat. sebab malam tu, i kena submit report before midnight and i kan ada programme. i dah try buat dari awal, dah cari journal apa semua tapi tak siap jugak before the event. and right before terserempak kawan i, ada dapat message dalam group "Dr akan deduct marks for late submission". and dah banyak hari tak cukup rehat, tidur 3-4 pagi. menangis level banjir memang menjejes-jejes. padahal otw nak pergi tunggu VIP tu. tapi rasa lega sikit lepas dapat hug & cry. rasa terlepas beban. thanks baby love you. thanks jugak S sebab tolong i buat report time event tu.
lepas tu, i terbuat heart to heart dengan Dr. Z. she's a very, very nice person.
level kebaikan dengan kesabaran dia adalah sangat details, even benda yang kita pandang biasa-biasa pun dia boleh nampak the good side of it.
i told her yang i penat and overwhelmed with all these workloads. all these quizzes and deadlines. week 13 is no joke. hampir ternangis lagi tapi nasib baik tak.
tapi she told me, yang ni semua process. kita tak boleh focus on the product je. all these challenges and hardships, is the process untuk kita cari and kenal diri kita. banyak lagi yang Dr cakap, and it somehow makes me feel better. walaupun sebenarnya time type ni i nangis jugak.
it's 1:04 am, and i got quiz at 8.00 later. semua chapter. minus marking. idk what will happen in the exam hall, i will just try my best to study apa yang boleh malam ni. pray for me.
