October 15, 2017

What I realised after 4 weeks of being an undergrads student.

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone!
Tajuk taknak kalah langsung kan kahkahkah.

I’m home. After 6 weeks in Kuantan. I need to get my writing/blogging momentum back and in this post, I have so much to talk about. Let’s hope I can finish writing this post in a day.

First of all, let me be honest. I came to Kuantan with more negative vibes than the positive one. I am sorry I know it’s not good but some of my friends knew about this. I talked to them and thanks to you guys, I am not as negative as I was before. I mean tell me how I will not be so negative after being mocked about how horrible and tiring and shitty life will be as a pharmacy student. Plus, being compared with other courses, that’s just unnecessary and I swear, that affects my emotion.

Then, being mocked with “you need to study everytime if not you're going to fail”. Before and after classes with classes from 8-5. Guess what, I put a pressure on me. I mean a very high pressure till it changes me. I did almost everything that I thought what a good student will do of course, with the mindset “if I don’t do all this thing I’m not going to succeed”. I know I wasn’t the real me but I thought it was for my sake. When I read the lecture notes, I kept thinking and saying that “I must understand and memorise everything now” and when I really cant understand apatah lagi nak ingat the facts, I had mental breakdowns. Like “whats wrong with me? Am I that stupid? Isn't my brain functioning anymore? Is my IQ level dropping?" And with the list of lecture notes to be read, I became nervous. What if I cant finish reading this tonight? What if I understand nothing. What if I score the lowest in my class for this quiz? What if I cant answer if Dr asks me this question?

After a month, ya I know that’s quite a long time for me to realise. But at least it’s not 4 years kan. But one night, I think let’s just have some fun. I put my earphones on and had a loud music on. But at the same time, I was making notes for tomorrow’s lecture. And enjoyed the moment, I kinda understand what I read & wrote. I don’t know if coincidentally the subject I was reading wasn’t that hard, but I realised something.

I don’t need that high amount of pressure for me to study, to understand what I’m studying I can still enjoy my life and my study will not be affected but of course la with control. Not everyone wears the same shoes. This way might work for me but not others.

I was also so scared if I can’t complete the tasks given; reading, assignments, tutorial etc. Everything was because “I have too much work I don’t know where should I start! 5/6 different subjects everyday. How should I fathom all these?”. You know when you started to overthink and thought you cant make it and there you go. Nothing achieved. I made plans before. But everytime I made plans, when there’s too much to do, my innerself became so nervous and the cycle repeated. But this time, I made realistic plans. I told myself, it’s okay if you can’t finish the whole slide for preclass reading. But of course I need to focus in tomorrow’s class kan but at least when I have less pressure on me, my output is greater. Well that’s what I think. Yes I still need pressure but I’ve learnt that over-pressure brings nothing. Only unnecessary stress & tears.

Other factors that I think contributes to my problem is my roommates. No, they are nice. But I don’t know maybe because we still don’t really know each other, we barely talk to each other unless needed. And there’s this one girl yang memang tak kisahkan orang lain, at all. Kalau bertembung senyum pun taknak haish how la? I can’t live in that situation. I miss my old roommates T_T

Btw, me and my friends realised that 8-5 class isn’t that bad. Maybe because this is just our first year, but put aside the subjects. The focus now is on the time. I realised that some of us compared ourselves to students from other course. Some only have classes up until noon, some have 1-2 days where they don’t have class at all. Yes, that sounds so good kan. Tapi buat apa nak banding dengan orang kan? We chose this path. Allah put us here for some reasons. Kalau nak ada masa yang banyak so we can have fun, I think mungkin boleh kaji balik niat, at least for me. Ye lah time kecik dulu orang kata budak u ni best, class berapa jam je sehari. Lepas tu boleh lepak makan ke pergi mall, then when you enrolled in this course then only you realised that life isn’t a bed of roses kan.

Maybe we can start changing the mindset we are going to give to our juniors. No more “pharmacy course ni penat gila class 8-5 tak macam orang lain boleh enjoy.” Let’s have “pharmacy course ni bagus, bagi kita rasa class 8-5 so nanti time kerja takde la culture shock sangat. Kerja nanti sama je, on call lagi.” I think that sounds nicer ;)

Well I think I wrote a lot dy. I’ll continue writing about this in another post. Till then, Xoxo.

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